Cake

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Who came up with that expression? What’s the point of cake if you can’t eat it? Is it decoration? Do some people sit around looking at cake because they think it’s pretty? I want to know! Who doesn’t eat the damned cake? If you’re out there, reveal yourself!

Cake is a metaphor, of course. At this juncture in my life, cake is someone I deeply care about. Someone who wants more than I can give in my present state. It’s been a rough year on so many levels, my friends. Losing a twin changes your DNA. I’m no longer the person cake met years ago. I don’t know myself anymore, but I’m trying to figure out this new version of me and it’s hard. Like, being-a-teenager-without-a-clue kind of hard, and I’m exhausted.

People say when you ‘end’ a relationship, you have to cut ties with that person to allow for healing. But what if you don’t want to cut ties? The end of one thing is the beginning of something else, right? What if you want to redefine the relationship? Can’t we keep what was good and let go of what wasn’t working? What if the good boils down to companionship? What if obligation and expectation doesn’t work anymore? I guess some would call those two elements…commitment. Is that what I want? Companionship without commitment?

Wow.

At this point, I’m sure many of you are thinking, Yes, Jayne, that’s exactly what you’re saying. To which, I reply, Unless…that’s what cake wants as well? Now you’re shouting, Wishful thinking, Jayne! And you’re probably right.

Well…fuck. I guess I can’t have my cake and eat it too.
Which sucks, because I really love cake.