I have never written a book (start to finish, draft to publication) while in a relationship. When I was single, I cranked out four books in three years. I didn’t have to worry about offending my partner or wonder if readers would compare him to my characters. Many have tried to match the characters to my exes and that was okay. Have at it. However, writing about relationships while in a relationship? That was a much more difficult undertaking. I was in a relationship for almost five years. During that time, the best I could do was produce a first draft. It was a solid draft and I thought it was ready to send out to beta readers for feedback, but something stopped me. I couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong with it, I just knew something was. Recently, I reread the manuscript and recognized the problem. In trying to protect my significant other from unnecessary scrutiny, I wove a tale of pure fiction, staying away from and/or sanitizing anything that hit too close to home. It felt fake and I don’t do fake.
Writers write what they know. I write about relationships. That’s what I know.
I’m fifty-one years old (that was painful to type!) and have been in several relationships over the course of the past three decades, each one different from the next. I observe the workings of my friends and relatives’ relationships, the strong ones built upon friendship, others, unsatisfying unions of convenience. I’ve experienced the euphoria of being in love and the agony of heartbreak. I write what I know, but that doesn’t mean I’m writing an autobiography. My books contain snapshots of real life woven around a fictitious story. My feelings are reflected in some characters more than others, but the characters aren’t me. They are not my family. I include snapshots, that’s all.
Am I a single mother? Yes.
Did I have a husband who cheated on me? Yes.
Am I divorced? Yes.
Have I been in unhealthy relationships? Yes.
Do I find motherhood challenging? Yes.
Have I ever been in love with someone who doesn’t love me? Yes.
Have I ever been unfaithful? No.
Do I struggle with depression and anxiety? Yes.
I definitely can identify similarities between me and my characters, but part of the reason I write is to escape reality! I love a happily ever after because I WANT a happily ever after, whether it includes a significant other or not.
I don’t usually read reviews of my books. Honestly, I hadn’t read any over the past five years, not until last week. I couldn’t believe how many there were! Lots of good reviews, some bad reviews. Either way, I don’t take it personally. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. But I was surprised by how many people thought my second book was a true story. As it Seems is my most popular novel (by far) and though in real life my ex-husband cheated on me while I was pregnant, and I’ve suffered bouts of serious depression, absolutely nothing else about that story is true. Ted and Libby were blissfully happy until her unplanned pregnancy and subsequent revelation of her husband’s infidelity. I was miserable in my marriage long before either of those events unfolded. Did I have a Truman in my life to get me through it all? If only! I had a babysitter, friends and family to help out. Did I walk away with half of everything when I finally left him? Not even close. Three years post-affair/birth of my youngest daughter I finally sprinted to the door without much of anything. I was hanging on by a thread with three kids to raise. If not for my incredible mother…I don’t know where I’d be now. She is my angel, now in heaven, watching over me and her grandchildren.
As it Seems is fiction, my friends. Little snapshots of reality mixed with a whole lot of fantasy.
I recognized another pattern while perusing the reviews. People like the characters I created who are wronged, not the characters who DO something wrong. I found that extremely interesting because I’ve yet to meet a person who lives a truly pure and honest life. Some of the most wonderful and interesting people I know are deeply flawed. I am deeply flawed. I also discovered that people are seriously triggered by infidelity in my book(s), probably because most people have been cheated on or know someone who has. Infidelity is wrong but it’s not a black and white issue. I’ve been cheated on and still understand why people stray. They are unhappy and either looking for a way out (consciously or subconsciously) or a way back in, hoping to get the attention of a partner who is not fulfilling their needs. The damage is usually irreparable by that point, but not everyone leaves. Some couples do come back from infidelity.
I like complex characters and just as people fuck up in real life, so do the characters I create.
Readers also had strong feelings about characters showing weakness of any sort. Staying in a bad relationship for your kids. Doing what you believe is right versus doing what is right for you. People make choices every single day, some simple, some life-altering. It’s not weakness to make a bad decision, it’s reality. People are complicated. My characters are complicated. And when I’m done tearing apart my four-years-in-the-making-first-draft and put some of the pieces back together in a whole new way, I hope to create honest, flawed, complex characters that you, my readers, can relate to.
My work isn’t done. Until next time.