I had to eat some humble pie recently and it left a bitter taste in my mouth. I remained silent until silence was no longer an option. When you fuck up, intended or not, sometimes you have to eat fucking pie to stop the situation for escalating further. So I did and only time will tell if my indigestion was worth it.
In the meantime, I’ve been living in my least favorite state: uncertainty. The in-between. Purgatory. Flux.
I was talking to a friend the other day, explaining how bizarre it feels not knowing where I stand amongst some members of the community. I’ve earned a reputation for working hard, honesty and integrity. For any one of these qualities to be questioned, unfairly or not, is unpleasant (to put it mildly). My friend’s response to my discomfort was “luckily your friends are antisocial” and I couldn’t help but laugh. Those closest to me don’t give a crap what anyone thinks. (Most of) my island friends are indeed antisocial and thank god for that!
It’s hard to live in a fishbowl, where everyone is up in everyone else’s business. My attitude over the years has been the less I know the better. I don’t need to know who slept with whom however many years ago, which person broke up so and so’s marriage, who’s a drunk or has overdosed in the past. Who’s been sober and for how long. It’s none of my business until it affects one of my students. Then I’m looped in, but without judgment. I leave that to others.
At the moment, I don’t know whether I blend into the scenery or am the exotic fish in the bowl. Will some people stare or have they moved on? Am I completely paranoid or right on the money? I just don’t know, and I always know! That’s the benefit of living a life above the fray! I know who likes me and who doesn’t (no one is universally liked. no one). I know who I can trust and who I can’t. Call me intuitive. When it comes to the important stuff…I just know. It must be horrible to live a life of uncertainty day in and out.
But time is on my side. If ever there was a moment to be completely misjudged, I couldn’t have picked a better one.
In this temporary state of uncertainty, I’ve kept a lower profile than usual (who knew it was possible?). Eating the frigging pie either worked or it didn’t. I know who I am.
Hmmm…typing those words felt good. I know who I am.
Damned straight, I know who I am! What the hell have I been afraid of? A dirty look? Bring it. If someone glares at me, I can glare right back. Shit, after a million years in the classroom, I’ve mastered the stare down. If anyone wants to have an uncomfortable conversation? Let’s chat. I can handle it. Why? Because I’m a formidable woman and can hold my own. Anytime. Anywhere.
Well…this little mind dump has been extremely helpful! I needed to remind myself who I’m dealing with here and it’s not the gossip hounds. I’m dealing with ME and I know I can handle just about anything. Been there. Done that.
Yeah…it’s time to wipe the crumbs off my face and take a leisurely stroll about town. Maybe smash the fishbowl while I’m at it.
Fuck humble pie. I’ve got this.